WeirdGoesPro

I am also older, and recently went through a life changing divorce. I understand where you’re at. I don’t think there is a perfect answer, but I’ll tell you what I did in case it helps.

At first, I was lonely and isolated. I think that was an important phase because it kind of burned out the last fucks I had to give from my previous life. Then, I gravitated towards places where lonely people go—bars, strip clubs, cigar lounges, etc. This provided an ample supply of temporary friends who helped to build my confidence again. I could be anyone I wanted to be and disappear any time I wanted. My troubles were small compared to some of the people I met. Just being able to talk to someone, and knowing it was available any night I wanted it, was nice.

During the week, I lived like a monk, and on Saturday, I practiced projecting any version of myself I thought I might want to be.

After going through that for a few months, I felt good enough to get on the apps. Wound up meeting some people who became friends and got a new girlfriend…presto, I had entered a new phase of my life again.

My current friends are shocked when they hear how I was living before I started hanging out with them, but I see it differently. I survived. I didn’t succumb to the inertia that was so easy to choose. It was messy, but it was what I needed to do since there aren’t many third places left to strike up a conversation with a stranger.

Things are still a little fragile for me and I haven’t decided if I want to keep building this current life or burn it down and try again, but the experience of losing everything so profoundly and being forced to start again from the bottom has made me much less afraid. I know there’s company to be found in hell, and I’m strong enough to enjoy the night while waiting for the dawn to appear.

So if you lose it all, maybe you can find some identity in becoming a bottom dwelling creature with the understanding that you are still looking for an opportunity to rebuild. If you keep throwing out lines, you will catch a fish eventually.

Thanks, I understand a little better now.

I find, when I feel like giving up or ending my life, that I actually want a significant change in my surroundings. A metaphorical death of my current situation to make way for a new one. That can mean ending relationships, jobs, moving, or a combination of all of those.

There are some opportunities to change your life in the things you are experiencing. Friends leaving means more time to pursue solitary interests or try to meet other people. If your job sucks, then try new money making ventures. Maybe they will suck too, maybe they won’t, but they will at least be new. You don’t even have to quit your current job—you can look for a side hustle.

Things suck now, so why not take some risks?

Why are you in the hospital every week?

To me doing what you propose means turning something pure into a show, a theatrical production.

Welcome to life.

Of course it’s a theatrical production, just like church, weddings, birthday parties, and just about every other human event. The performance is part of the honoring. You dress up nice. You show your grief. You remember out loud. These are all visible signs of the respect you feel for the deceased. It makes others aware of how much the deceased meant to you. It reminds everyone of the value of life, relationships, and to not waste time with people you love because they might not be there one day.

They say you only get one shot at a first impression. A funeral is a time when everyone who cared for you comes together to create the last impression. You, as his son, have a lot of power to make it a good one.

I don’t want to honor an important person by having to deal with people I don’t like…

That’s the childish response I was talking about. Nobody wants to spend time with people they don’t like, but a mature realization is that your mild discomfort is secondary to the importance of that moment, even more so, it is secondary to the importance of letting your father know that you love and honor him.

As I understand it from your description, you have prioritized avoiding discomfort over attending his funeral (his final wish), and you’ve prioritized avoiding discomfort by telling him that you’re going to skip instead of even softening the blow by shouldering the burden of a white lie. You chose yourself twice over your dying dad’s feelings and final requests. That is a pretty tough pill to swallow for dad.

To me that makes him weak and lets others walk all over him…

Do you like your dad? I got the impression from the original post that you generally had a good relationship with him, but then you put him down here.

People are flawed. People have weakness and severity in them and sometimes lean too far to one side. You dad is dying. If you don’t accept and possibly forgive his humanity now, when will you?

If it was unusually selfish to care about how you were honored after you die, then nobody would be buying grave monuments or fancy urns.

Caring about your funeral at the end of your life seems to be a pretty common human experience. Hearing that your own child can’t be bothered to attend the event that is meant to honor your life is hard. I imagine it makes them feel like their child doesn’t love them as much as they thought they did.

Would I care if my child didn’t attend my funeral? No, I’d be dead. Would I care if my child told me that they were going to skip my funeral because they couldn’t tolerate a brief encounter with my annoying (never accused of actual abuse) sister? Yes, because it would show me that my child is being self absorbed in that moment and can’t muster up the energy to even pretend to care about my feelings on my deathbed.

I wonder how many unpleasant things OP’s father endured while raising them—I’d imagine a lot. Sometimes we bear little burdens for the people we love, and that’s totally normal, in my opinion.

In my opinion, your stance is madness. You say you’re treating your father like an adult, but you aren’t acting like one yourself.

Adults tolerate minor discomforts to honor the ones they love. Adults make small talk or avoid people they don’t like at important events while still successfully showing their attendance.

Children prioritize their own small emotions and grievances over the needs and dignity of their parents because they don’t know any better or have any perspective.

So, which kind of son/daughter are you going to be?